GETTING EVEN: a common response to cheating
“Hell hath no fury like a women’s scorn!”
William Shakespeare
And….”hell hath no fury like a man’s either!
Joan E. Childs, LCSW
When it comes to cheating, men and women respond very
similarly, despite what they may tell you.
It’s difficult for them to let go of the mental video that replays over
and over, imagining their spouse with another partner. The gut wrenching feeling that pierces their
hearts also shatters their trust, belief system, self-esteem, relationship/marriage
and quite often, their lives. This is
where the genders merge. It is where the
human element super-cedes gender. When a
heart is broken, gender is irrelevant.
The response is more connected to the individual than the gender. Both men and women feel the hurt and
pain. The most common response to hurt
is anger. Getting even becomes a
personal choice, and__ it’s a poor one.
THE DISCOVERY
Carol called me early one morning on my way to my office in
tears, nearly gasping between her words.
“I need to see you. Do you have
any time today?”
She discovered her
husband of nineteen years had been having an affair with his secretary. When she confronted him, he had no way out
because the secretary’s husband called Carol after he discovered them dead to
rites. Carol’s vitriolic response was to
“get even.” Her boss had been flirting
with her for years, and her revenge was to have an affair with him.
When Carol came into my office that afternoon and spilled
her guts, literally and figuratively, (she vomited), I asked her if she had one
wish, what would it be. Her first
response was murderous rage, “To cut off his b____”, she screeched. (ala
Loretta Babbit) After the rage, came the tears, the disbelief, the “What am I
going to dos?” and “how will I ever get passed this?”
Ted learned from a co-worker that his wife was having an
affair with her fitness trainer. What
made matters worse, was that the fitness trainer, was shared by both Ted and
his wife for nearly nine years. Ted was
devastated and felt betrayed by both of them.
When Ted came in to see me he could hardly speak. His tears were endless. He howled like a wounded animal when he tried
to tell me what happened. Clutching his
chest and shifting to holding his head in his hands, bending over in despair, I
thought he might collapse. He was
speechless for the first fifteen minutes. Every time he tried to speak, the
sobbing swallowed his words. After he
collected his emotions, having used his handkerchief until it was soaked and at
least half a box of tissues, he mumbled, “I ‘m going to kill that bastard! He deserves to die!” (ala UNFAITHFUL, the
movie) I gave her everything, never
denied her anything and this is how she pays me back?” The profanity followed the tears, and then
the tears returned. After asking him the
same question I asked Carol, he said, “I want my wife back, but I want to f—k
his first!
Carol and Ted’s response reflects most of the feelings my
clients have when they learn about “the affair”. No matter male or female, the shock and grief
is pervasive, progressive and feels permanent.
It disrupts their sleep, their work and ability to stay focused. The betrayal becomes omnipresent interfering
with the quality of their lives. Men
more often want to kill the other man; women more often want to kill their
spouse. The next best thing to
committing murder is to have a “get even” affair.
THE PAST AND HOW IT AFFECTS THE PRESENT
This is the time to see a therapist. Tit for tat is not a solution. Believe it or not, relationships that have
suffered infidelity can be repaired and often are better as a result of working
through the issues that had never been addressed. .
There is usually a reason for an affair. Sometimes it is conscious, but more often it
is the unconscious that dictates our behavior.
Nature abhors a vacuum, so we tend to fill the emptiness with something
that feels good. Sometimes it is a
substance, like food, alcohol, or drugs.
Sometimes it can be an activity, but more often, the choice is another
mate to take away the pain of loneliness, boredom, anger or whatever might have
been lost. The writing is often on the wall before we want to see it. Denial is the most common defense mechanism
humans have. It’s too painful to face,
so we avoid. Avoidance makes our
relationships become contaminated over time.
A common response to an issue is to sweep it under the rug until the rug
resembles the Swiss Alps. Most couples
don’t know how to effect change in their relationship, so they act out their
feelings, and too often there arises a crisis that forces them to look at the
issue. So, an affair can be a blessing in disguise if it is addressed with a
professional. It can become the catalyst
for understanding and change.
Most of us grew up in dysfunctional families to a greater or
lesser degree. We had poor role models
for communication. The two most
important roles we have in life, that of being a husband/wife and a parent is
something we know least about, and are least prepared to do. Some of us were intentionally or
unintentionally abused, neglected or abandoned, leaving us to adapt in order to
survive. We unconsciously bring this
survival roles and wounds into our adult relationships, hoping to heal the past. We unwittingly choose the worst nightmarish
partners to help us work through our issues.
In a way, this is supposed to happen.
It is that partner that we chose, that can teach us what we need to know
about ourselves. In most cases, divorce or break-ups occur before we have a
chance to mend our past and save our relationships. It is the therapy that can help heal these
wounds and find new pathways to save what might have been destroyed.
THE SOLUTION
The goal is to find our authenticity and abandon our
survival/adaptive roles. Intimacy requires
authenticity. There is no intimacy
without conflict, and unless you are in your true essence, conflict cannot be
resolved. When you are in your essence,
connection is created and time is eternal.
When you are in your survival roles, those roles will hi-jack your
relationship, and the connection will be lost.
Advancing technology
in couple’s counseling has paved the way to perpetual possibilities and hope
for healthier relationships. We now know
ways to teach couples to reconnect and reach levels of intimacy never before
realized. We understand that human
beings are wired for connection and when we disconnect, we go into crisis. The goal is to help couples become authentic;
to relinquish their survival roles so they can discover each other, perhaps for
the first time, thus allowing them to fall in love again. When the relational space between them
becomes polluted, a “disconnect” is certain to happen. When we clean up the contaminated space, we
reconnect with a more meaningful, honest and mature relationship than ever
thought possible
We clean up the space
by having the couples cross the bridge to the world of their partner, leaving
behind their perceptions, opinions, and judgments while they visit their
partner’s world. They learn how to be
present to one another; they learn the language of the other. They learn about their partner’s past, their
fears, and childhood experiences that they may never have known before. And___. they learn to listen with a third
ear, an open mind and an open heart.
Together, they build new neuro-pathways to the future. They learn new ways of communicating. They have a new set of tools for conflict
resolution. They learn how to be in
attunement with each other. The space
between them becomes sacred once more.
SUMMARY: GET BETTER; NOT EVEN!
What to do if this happens to you
1, Recognize you have a deeper problem than the affair. Understand that the affair is the result of
the deeper problem.
- Get
professional help with a trained couple’s counselor who can help you
understand the underlying causes of the affair and teach you how to
express your feelings that may have been repressed until it could no
longer stay contained. Acting out
is a feeling that gets translated into a behavior.
- Understand
that not unlike an abscess, the only way to make it go away is to lance
it. It hurts like hell, but once
the pus is out, healing begins and the pain disappears. This is a metaphor for the therapeutic
process.
- Don’t
go for right or wrong. Hang in
there and go for resolution. Be
patient __this takes time. But the
results make it all worthwhile. See
the movie SPRING HOPE!! It’s my
first exercise for those of you who can relate to this article!
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