THE HYPER-ADDICTIVE,
TIME-SUCKING, RELATIONSHIP-BUSTING, MIND AND HEART-CRUSHING POWER AND ALLURE OF
A DYSFUNCTIONAL, CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP (a title borrowed and adapted from
the New York Times Magazine, 04/08/12 by Sam Anderson)
By now everyone has heard of the term, “codependent”. Since the 80’s this word has been passed down
for nearly 3 decades since Melody Beattie coined the word for those folks who
were addicted to the addict. (Codependent
No More) Since its original coining,
that word has morphed into many meanings, until today, when it signifies those
who are involved with partners in dysfunctional relationships that are ruining
their lives. If you are in a
relationship that brings you down, that causes you to feel drained, pained,
anxious, worried, have a fear of abandonment, fear of being consumed, and other
panic driven disorders, and feeling you can’t live with him/her or without
him/her, can’t let go, but don’t want to stay, then chances are, you are in an
addictive, codependent relationship.
Hundreds of books have been written on the subject. television shows and movies provide our world
of entertainment with relationships that exemplify these pathetic love addicted
relationships. Twelve step program
groups are filled with members who attend regular meetings to fight the
addiction, yet countless people plunge in everyday, stay for years and suffer
enormous consequences that cause pain, illness, financial disaster, loss of
control and sometimes, even death.
Without treatment, codependency rarely gets better.
So what is the answer? We have to look inside and try to understand
why we think so little of ourselves to allow another human being to have so
much power over us, that we jeopardize and undermine our well being and quality
of life. We need to understand the
dynamics that we are bringing from our childhood into our”here and now”
relationships, trying desperately to work out old conflicts with our families
of origin in our adult relationships. We need to learn why we subjugate our
needs and desires to please another person
instead of ourselves.
How do we do this? By learning where the original pain began and
how it manifested so we can undo the doing.
It requires a commitment of time, money and honest exploration as well
as learning skills, techniques and resources to fight and win. A good sense of self esteem is the most
important ingredient that is needed to win the battle. Those of you who are in these kind of
relationships, twisting in the wind and unable to get out of the painful day to
day feelings, need to examine how you got there in the first place. The next thing you need to do is get
help. No one does this alone. According to Neuro-biology, the brain is the
only organ in the body that needs another brain to regulate itself. All the other organs can self regulate; not
the brain. Seek out a qualified, trained
therapist who specializes in Codependency and Family of Origin Work. A therapist who has been trained in Inner
Child Work can take you back to the beginning when you first felt the feeling
that you weren’t good enough or that you didn’t matter. It might have come from abuse, neglect, and
/or abandonment that occurred before you had a chance to understand what was
happening to you. A child has stages of
development to master and in each stage has a task to accomplish. That stage can only be successful if the
child has reached a level of maturity to understand what has happened or has
not been inflicted with abuse, neglect or abandonment. When these things occur, they leave deep
wounds in the child that affect the outcome of these developmental tasks. Having a successful outcome with a trained
therapist can change the way we think about ourselves and give us the courage
to let go of relationships that keep us frozen in our dysfunctional childhood
states. Many of the techniques that are
employed are geared to breaking down adapted roles we had to learn as children in
order to survive and finding our authentic selves. Our authentic selves will shine the light to
reveal our essence and protect us from behaviors that jeopardize our well
being. Our true selves will provide ways
to fight this addiction and help us make healthy choices. Choosing partners that cause us pain and
grief come from the wounded inner child.
If that child is made to feel safe and lovable, it will allow the
authentic adult in us to take care of that part of ourselves that got stuck in
our source relationships when we did not have boundaries and ways to protect
ourselves. Now as adults, we have
acquired knowledge, experience, information and maturity that we can use to
take care of our wounded child and make them feel like they DO INDEED matter;
perhaps for the first time in their life.
Having been the first affiliate for the John Bradshaw
Institute, I have been practicing Inner Child Work for more than twenty years
in my thirty-five year practice. We have
come a long way from the first encounter with Codependency and our lost
child. We now have wonderful, state of
the art techniques to re-engineer ourselves and become the master of our
destiny. No longer do we have to
re-enact our lost childhood. We can
reclaim, heal and champion our inner child and make choices in our best
interest.
Joan E. Childs is a practicing psychotherapist for
thirty-five years with offices in two locations: 2500 E. Hallandale Beach Blvd.
#503, and 1040 Bayview Dr. #408 Ft. Lauderdale, FL
She can be reached by email: joanec@aol.com;
web site: www.joanechilds.com or telephone: (954) 568-1004.
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