tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48546306558417065792024-02-20T17:52:55.723-08:00Women and RelationshipsJoan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-27295851941318323102012-12-17T21:26:00.001-08:002012-12-17T21:26:27.691-08:00
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">ANOTHER MOTHER’S STORY<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I read the blog written by Liza Long with heartfelt sympathy
and interest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I too am a mother of a
daughter who suffered from mental illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, she was not a murderer, a criminal or an evil person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a loving devoted daughter, sister,
friend and clinical therapist holding both a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social
Worker) and Ph.D. in psychology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
loved life, her work, her patients, her family and her friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was sick and suffered from Bipolar I
Disorder for ten years before she leaped to her death on July 2, 1998.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was thirty-four years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Pam fought her illness tenaciously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To her, they were demons brought to her by a
demonic force she referred to as the devil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They took up residency in her mind, and as the years progressed they slowly
devoured her mind, her spirit and her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pam did not choose to jump; the demons pushed her out the window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mental illness takes many forms and many diagnosis, most of
which take a skilled psychiatrist to determine, as many mental disorders have
co-morbidity, (symptoms that resemble other diagnosis’, such as schizophrenia
and Bi-polar Disorder.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes time to
obtain a differential diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until a
diagnosis is made, a treatment plan cannot be implemented, not unlike any other
illness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Pam was the eldest of my five children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She never revealed any symptoms of mental
illness until she had her first break when she was twenty-four years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By this time, she was half way through her
doctorate, working at the John Bradshaw Center in Hollywood, California as a
therapist and was considered to be a “wizard” therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The center was an in-patient treatment
facility for recovering addicts and mood disorders caused primarily from abuse,
neglect, and/or abandonment during their childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pam was a leading therapist, running groups
and seeing the patients in individual sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her work was heralded by the staff, the patients and John Bradshaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The illness insidiously crept in upon her slowly, steadfastly
and with a force that ripped away all reason and rationality while it wove a
delusionary system that was unshakable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As the years passed, Pam was no longer the same vivacious, charming,
charismatic young woman that made everyone who knew her fall in love with
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the invasion of this illness
progressed, all that was before was no more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead only a shell of a woman who had seemingly lost her mind and
spirit remained as my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her soul
passed before her body. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In my book, WHY DID SHE JUMP: An Angel to Remember that will
be released in the fall of 2013, I describe how this illness became her cancer;
resistant to all treatment as her belief system prevented her from taking the
medicine prescribed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, when she
did, she turned into a zombie, unable to function and barely get out of
bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In her twisted mind she concluded
that the medications were agents of the devil and managed to avoid taking
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a result her illness gained
strength and her mind lost contact with reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, there were lucid moments, but the
prevailing theme was insanity by loss of reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The examples will be revealed in the book as
well as the torture we, her family were all subjected to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The worst of it was that there was no place
for her to get the treatment she needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wrote a letter to Oprah that became the introduction to my
book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I described the trials and
tribulations in depth, blaming the health system in our country as one of the
leading causes of her death, claiming that my daughter was unable to obtain
treatment that could have easily saved her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
urged Oprah to do a program on this issue stating that this was not just my
child, but everyone’s child who has been stricken with this hideous
disease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I copied it to Hillary Clinton,
our congresswoman Elaine Bloom at that time, Senators Bob Graham and Connie
Mack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None responded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Miami Herald published my letter, thanks
to Sue Reisinger who felt a need to share this tragedy with her readers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This was fourteen years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now we are facing a nation who has the worst record for healing our
mentally ill citizens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had to wait
for one tragedy after another to occur for people to start screaming about guns
and the atrocities committed on innocent people, worst of all little children
as well as the atrocious care of the mentally ill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My beautiful daughter fell through the cracks
because there was no facility that she could be given proper treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How many lives to we have to lose before we
get it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What price do we have to pay to
have our voices heard?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter was
not rich, nor was she poor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She worked
for a living, was raised in a home with a father who is a physician and a
mother, a clinical social worker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet
with the vast network of friends and colleagues we both had, we were rendered helpless,
powerless and finally hopeless in securing the help she needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t own a gun and no nothing about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Frankly I would be terrified to have one in
my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I live alone and cannot imagine
ever using one, fearing that my life would be more at risk having one in my hand,
than not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps I am gullible, but
owning a gun does not make me feel safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact, I would feel more vulnerable because the gunman would most
probably be a better marksman than I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Guns are only part of the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We need to change our culture and cultivate more loving, caring and
sensitive communities exhibiting kindheartedness to our fellow man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must provide a safe environment where our
loved ones stricken with mental illness can go to get help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Psychotropic drugs and therapy do help, but
in order to maintain treatment, patients have to be in a long term treatment
center as opposed to being admitted for 24-48 hours in a psychiatric ward In
some hospital only to be released within a day or two, which by the way, makes
them worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My story is not just about my loss, sorrow, grief and
despair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the story of our country,
which loses thousands of loved ones every year either by suicide or homicide because
they were not cared for in an environment that could support their
healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s time for real change;
change in our health system, change in our gun laws, and most of all change in
our culture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-41546304083947095922012-12-02T12:56:00.001-08:002012-12-02T12:56:31.053-08:00
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">BEING DUDELESS?<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just got dumped?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Filed for divorce?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your fiancé
got cold feet and cancelled the wedding? Ex-wife wants to reconcile? Found out
your honey had another on the side?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
good guys in sight?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t worry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being dudeless for a while might be a
refreshing surprise; that is if you know what to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Staying sane and single can be a challenge, but can offer
some pleasant surprises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are 7 tips
to make the ride a pleasant journey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#1 Begin to think of you first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Start making plans that include activities
that you love to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sign up for a ski
class, tennis class, yoga class, dance class, Spanish class, computer class,
etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Choose anything that you have
wanted to do but your relationship swallowed up your time and didn’t allow for
personal stuff to take center stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#2 Think vacation! Travel alone on a single’s cruise or a
Club Med, or ask a friend or family member to get away for a few days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, just a change of pace and scenery,
can be liberating and help your healing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#3 Take some time to discover you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spend some nights alone and find that waking
in the morning without a man can be tolerable; perhaps even pleasant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For sure you won’t die! Try using meditation,
say positive affirmations to yourself, (i.e.: I am a worthy person; I deserve
happiness and joy; I am complete and lovable.) Take baths, read a book and
watch old movies to entertain yourself instead of spending time choosing an
outfit, primping, applying make-up, and wearing shoes that kill your feet and
your pocketbook. Go ahead: Veg out, chill out, zone out and have a good
cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Journaling is a wonderful way to
discharge your feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exercise!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It worked for Forest Gump and it will work
for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bike, run, walk, work out, swim
or participate in a sport.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exercising is
like exorcising.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Revving up those
endomorphins is a great release to rid you of bad feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Masturbation is not a bad idea either!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll meet a better class of people!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#5. Spend some quality time with your girlfriends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the end, you’ll discover they matter the
most anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boyfriends come and go;
husbands do the same; kids grow up and start their own lives, but girlfriends
are forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Furthermore, no one understands
a chick’s pain better than another chick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe you’ll have to pay for your own dinner, but the nurturing,
empathy, understanding, support and friendship is well worth it. Dudes simply
don’t have the programming in their brains to do what your girlfriends can
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A champion fight or basketball game
will take precedent over <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a“let’s talk”
every time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#6. Pamper yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Get a massage; change your hair color or style, sign up for a spa day,
relax!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing works like treating
yourself like a princess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">#7 Check out some dating sites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See what’s out on the market.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most therapists would agree that spending
alone time for a while is the best medicine, but nothing works better for
enhancing self esteem than finding a dude who thinks you’re gorgeous and wants
to get into yours pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember, you
are vulnerable, so you don’t want to put all your emotional eggs in a new
basket, but it sure feels good to know that there’s a dude with a hard on just
waiting for a response from you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
word of advice: Don’t let hot sex replace a good solid healthy adult
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too often women make the
mistake of confusing sex with love once they go between the sheets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have this problem, be aware.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chicks tend to project what they want to see
on a dude when it’s not really who they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So beware!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In reality, there really is no quick fix to get over a
broken heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time, talking out your
feelings, and having faith that things happen the way they are meant to be, are
your best resources.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Learning to let go,
forgiving your dude and most of all, forgiving yourself for anything you might
blame yourself for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never look back with
regrets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shit happens, we go on to
something that may be better than what we lost and we hold our heads high with
dignity and the knowledge that we are too good to feel this bad!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I went through a heartfelt break-up, it was my inner
adult voice that I kept hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
spoke to me like a Wise Old Women residing in my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this archetypal energy exists in all
of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was she who told me to
write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So writing became my release, my
nocturnal companion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was writing that
nurtured my wounds and discharged my pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When my last lover chose to close the door to what I thought would be my
last chance at love, I took to writing to a book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still in process, it gives me a vehicle to
let go and accept what I thought would be impossible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Whether you write, paint, play an instrument, sing, dance or
act, find your bliss, use it and I promise it will bring you the relief and
transformation you yearn for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust that
you have all the resources within you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
look inside and give yourself permission to use what you already have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We already know what we don’t know that we
know!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-43949334510402614142012-11-27T11:12:00.001-08:002012-11-27T11:12:25.036-08:00
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<h1 style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">GETTING EVEN: a common response to cheating<o:p></o:p></span></h1>
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<b><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
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“Hell hath no fury like a women’s scorn!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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William Shakespeare<o:p></o:p></div>
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And….”hell hath no fury like a man’s either!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Joan E. Childs, LCSW<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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When it comes to cheating, men and women respond very
similarly, despite what they may tell you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s difficult for them to let go of the mental video that replays over
and over, imagining their spouse with another partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gut wrenching feeling that pierces their
hearts also shatters their trust, belief system, self-esteem, relationship/marriage
and quite often, their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
where the genders merge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is where the
human element super-cedes gender.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a
heart is broken, gender is irrelevant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The response is more connected to the individual than the gender.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both men and women feel the hurt and
pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most common response to hurt
is anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting even becomes a
personal choice, <b>and__ it’s a poor one.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b><o:p> </o:p></b></div>
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<h2 style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">THE DISCOVERY<o:p></o:p></span></h2>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Carol called me early one morning on my way to my office in
tears, nearly gasping between her words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“I need to see you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you have
any time today?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She discovered her
husband of nineteen years had been having an affair with his secretary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she confronted him, he had no way out
because the secretary’s husband called Carol after he discovered them dead to
rites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carol’s vitriolic response was to
“get even.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her boss had been flirting
with her for years, and her revenge was to have an affair with him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
When Carol came into my office that afternoon and spilled
her guts, literally and figuratively, (she vomited), I asked her if she had one
wish, what would it be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her first
response was murderous rage, “To cut off his b____”, she screeched. (ala
Loretta Babbit) After the rage, came the tears, the disbelief, the “What am I
going to dos?” and “how will I ever get passed this?” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
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Ted learned from a co-worker that his wife was having an
affair with her fitness trainer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
made matters worse, was that the fitness trainer, was shared by both Ted and
his wife for nearly nine years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ted was
devastated and felt betrayed by both of them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
When Ted came in to see me he could hardly speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His tears were endless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He howled like a wounded animal when he tried
to tell me what happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clutching his
chest and shifting to holding his head in his hands, bending over in despair, I
thought he might collapse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was
speechless for the first fifteen minutes. Every time he tried to speak, the
sobbing swallowed his words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After he
collected his emotions, having used his handkerchief until it was soaked and at
least half a box of tissues, he mumbled, “I ‘m going to kill that bastard!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He deserves to die!” (ala UNFAITHFUL, the
movie)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gave her everything, never
denied her anything and this is how she pays me back?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The profanity followed the tears, and then
the tears returned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After asking him the
same question I asked Carol, he said, “I want my wife back, but I want to f—k
his first!<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Carol and Ted’s response reflects most of the feelings my
clients have when they learn about “the affair”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter male or female, the shock and grief
is pervasive, progressive and feels permanent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It disrupts their sleep, their work and ability to stay focused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The betrayal becomes omnipresent interfering
with the quality of their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men
more often want to kill the other man; women more often want to kill their
spouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next best thing to
committing murder is to have a “get even” affair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<h2 style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">THE PAST AND HOW IT AFFECTS THE PRESENT<o:p></o:p></span></h2>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
This is the time to see a therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tit for tat is not a solution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believe it or not, relationships that have
suffered infidelity can be repaired and often are better as a result of working
through the issues that had never been addressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
There is usually a reason for an affair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it is conscious, but more often it
is the unconscious that dictates our behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nature abhors a vacuum, so we tend to fill the emptiness with something
that feels good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it is a
substance, like food, alcohol, or drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes it can be an activity, but more often, the choice is another
mate to take away the pain of loneliness, boredom, anger or whatever might have
been lost. The writing is often on the wall before we want to see it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Denial is the most common defense mechanism
humans have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s too painful to face,
so we avoid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Avoidance makes our
relationships become contaminated over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A common response to an issue is to sweep it under the rug until the rug
resembles the Swiss Alps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most couples
don’t know how to effect change in their relationship, so they act out their
feelings, and too often there arises a crisis that forces them to look at the
issue. So, an affair can be a blessing in disguise if it is addressed with a
professional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can become the catalyst
for understanding and change.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Most of us grew up in dysfunctional families to a greater or
lesser degree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had poor role models
for communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two most
important roles we have in life, that of being a husband/wife and a parent is
something we know least about, and are least prepared to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of us were intentionally or
unintentionally abused, neglected or abandoned, leaving us to adapt in order to
survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We unconsciously bring this
survival roles and wounds into our adult relationships, hoping to heal the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We unwittingly choose the worst nightmarish
partners to help us work through our issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In a way, this is supposed to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is that partner that we chose, that can teach us what we need to know
about ourselves. In most cases, divorce or break-ups occur before we have a
chance to mend our past and save our relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the therapy that can help heal these
wounds and find new pathways to save what might have been destroyed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b>THE SOLUTION<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><o:p> </o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The goal is to find our authenticity and abandon our
survival/adaptive roles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Intimacy requires
authenticity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no intimacy
without conflict, and unless you are in your true essence, conflict cannot be
resolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you are in your essence,
connection is created and time is eternal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When you are in your survival roles, those roles will hi-jack your
relationship, and the connection will be lost.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Advancing technology
in couple’s counseling has paved the way to perpetual possibilities and hope
for healthier relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We now know
ways to teach couples to reconnect and reach levels of intimacy never before
realized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We understand that human
beings are wired for connection and when we disconnect, we go into crisis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal is to help couples become authentic;
to relinquish their survival roles so they can discover each other, perhaps for
the first time, thus allowing them to fall in love again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the relational space between them
becomes polluted, a “disconnect” is certain to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we clean up the contaminated space, we
reconnect with a more meaningful, honest and mature relationship than ever
thought possible<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We clean up the space
by having the couples cross the bridge to the world of their partner, leaving
behind their perceptions, opinions, and judgments while they visit their
partner’s world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They learn how to be
present to one another; they learn the language of the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They learn about their partner’s past, their
fears, and childhood experiences that they may never have known before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And___. they learn to listen with a third
ear, an open mind and an open heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Together, they build new neuro-pathways to the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They learn new ways of communicating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have a new set of tools for conflict
resolution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They learn how to be in
attunement with each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The space
between them becomes sacred once more.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<h2 style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">SUMMARY:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>GET BETTER; NOT EVEN!<o:p></o:p></span></h2>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><o:p> </o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b>What to do if this happens to you<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><o:p> </o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
1, Recognize you have a deeper problem than the affair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understand that the affair is the result of
the deeper problem.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<ol start="2" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Get
professional help with a trained couple’s counselor who can help you
understand the underlying causes of the affair and teach you how to
express your feelings that may have been repressed until it could no
longer stay contained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Acting out
is a feeling that gets translated into a behavior.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<ol start="3" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Understand
that not unlike an abscess, the only way to make it go away is to lance
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hurts like hell, but once
the pus is out, healing begins and the pain disappears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a metaphor for the therapeutic
process.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<ol start="4" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Don’t
go for right or wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hang in
there and go for resolution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be
patient __this takes time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the
results make it all worthwhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See
the movie SPRING HOPE!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s my
first exercise for those of you who can relate to this article!<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-24766759504856900542012-11-26T09:24:00.001-08:002012-11-26T09:24:29.232-08:00
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">THE HYPER-ADDICTIVE,
TIME-SUCKING, RELATIONSHIP-BUSTING, MIND AND HEART-CRUSHING POWER AND ALLURE OF
A DYSFUNCTIONAL, CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP (a title borrowed and adapted from
the New York Times Magazine, 04/08/12 by Sam Anderson)<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">By now everyone has heard of the term, “codependent”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since the 80’s this word has been passed down
for nearly 3 decades since Melody Beattie coined the word for those folks who
were addicted to the addict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Codependent
No More)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since its original coining,
that word has morphed into many meanings, until today, when it signifies those
who are involved with partners in dysfunctional relationships that are ruining
their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are in a
relationship that brings you down, that causes you to feel drained, pained,
anxious, worried, have a fear of abandonment, fear of being consumed, and other
panic driven disorders, and feeling you can’t live with him/her or without
him/her, can’t let go, but don’t want to stay, then chances are, you are in an
addictive, codependent relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hundreds of books have been written on the subject.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>television shows and movies provide our world
of entertainment with relationships that exemplify these pathetic love addicted
relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twelve step program
groups are filled with members who attend regular meetings to fight the
addiction, yet countless people plunge in everyday, stay for years and suffer
enormous consequences that cause pain, illness, financial disaster, loss of
control and sometimes, even death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Without treatment, codependency <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>rarely gets better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">So what is the answer?</span></b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to look inside and try to understand
why we think so little of ourselves to allow another human being to have so
much power over us, that we jeopardize and undermine our well being and quality
of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need to understand the
dynamics that we are bringing from our childhood into our”here and now”
relationships, trying desperately to work out old conflicts with our families
of origin in our adult relationships. We need to learn why we subjugate our
needs and desires to please another person<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>instead of ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">How do we do this?</span></b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By learning where the original pain began and
how it manifested so we can undo the doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It requires a commitment of time, money and honest exploration as well
as learning skills, techniques and resources to fight and win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good sense of self esteem is the most
important ingredient that is needed to win the battle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those of you who are in these kind of
relationships, twisting in the wind and unable to get out of the painful day to
day feelings, need to examine how you got there in the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next thing you need to do is get
help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one does this alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to Neuro-biology, the brain is the
only organ in the body that needs another brain to regulate itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the other organs can self regulate; not
the brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seek out a qualified, trained
therapist who specializes in Codependency and Family of Origin Work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A therapist who has been trained in Inner
Child Work can take you back to the beginning when you first felt the feeling
that you weren’t good enough or that you didn’t matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It might have come from abuse, neglect, and
/or abandonment that occurred before you had a chance to understand what was
happening to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A child has stages of
development to master and in each stage has a task to accomplish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That stage can only be successful if the
child has reached a level of maturity to understand what has happened or has
not been inflicted with abuse, neglect or abandonment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When these things occur, they leave deep
wounds in the child that affect the outcome of these developmental tasks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having a successful outcome with a trained
therapist can change the way we think about ourselves and give us the courage
to let go of relationships that keep us frozen in our dysfunctional childhood
states.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of the techniques that are
employed are geared to breaking down adapted roles we had to learn as children in
order to survive and finding our authentic selves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our authentic selves will shine the light to
reveal our essence and protect us from behaviors that jeopardize our well
being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our true selves will provide ways
to fight this addiction and help us make healthy choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Choosing partners that cause us pain and
grief come from the wounded inner child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If that child is made to feel safe and lovable, it will allow the
authentic adult in us to take care of that part of ourselves that got stuck in
our source relationships when we did not have boundaries and ways to protect
ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now as adults, we have
acquired knowledge, experience, information and maturity that we can use to
take care of our wounded child and make them feel like they DO INDEED matter;
perhaps for the first time in their life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having been the first affiliate for the John Bradshaw
Institute, I have been practicing Inner Child Work for more than twenty years
in my thirty-five year practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have
come a long way from the first encounter with Codependency and our lost
child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We now have wonderful, state of
the art techniques to re-engineer ourselves and become the master of our
destiny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No longer do we have to
re-enact our lost childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can
reclaim, heal and champion our inner child and make choices in our best
interest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Joan E. Childs is a practicing psychotherapist for
thirty-five years with offices in two locations: 2500 E. Hallandale Beach Blvd.
#503, and 1040 Bayview Dr. #408 Ft. Lauderdale, FL <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She can be reached by email: </span><a href="mailto:joanec@aol.com"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">joanec@aol.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;">;
web site: </span><a href="http://www.joanechilds.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">www.joanechilds.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or telephone: (954) 568-1004.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-48652711774225123972012-11-26T09:16:00.001-08:002012-11-26T09:16:09.542-08:00
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Legend of The <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lost
Libido<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everyone knows that over time relationships shift: sometimes
for the better; sometimes for the worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is a natural phenomenon with every couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the beginning of all relationships,
everyone puts their best foot forward. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
we enter the first stage, commonly known as “the falling in love” stage, all
our boundaries collapse; we can’t wait to see each other and our sexual
appetite is perennially aroused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
then comes the next phase, when the newness wears off, and the authentic <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>person emerges. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This concludes the honeymoon stage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually, the first things that begin to
evaporate are the barrage of multiple daily phone calls, the “I love you’s” along
with our sexual desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What follows is usually
a shift in the show of affection; those tender moments that we cherished from
the beginning, when his arm was around her shoulder, hands were held and good
night kisses were a ritual, now begin to fade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is replaced with discovering the deficits in our partner that were
not visible in the first stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finding
fault with each other is the first level of pollution to enter the relational
space in which the couple lives; faults that were not evident in the first
stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if they were, we were not
willing to see or acknowledge them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
a strange phenomenon, but once we get between the sheets, we project what we
want to see on each other; not necessarily what is there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These projections are often the cause of
disappointment, disillusion and bitterness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What is worse is that most people avoid communicating their feelings, fearful
that being honest may upset the homeostasis of the relationship. The
unconscious or conscious fear is that if I express my anger or hurt him/her, my
partner might end the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
is not true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth is, that
avoidance it worse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Avoidance brews “the
collecting of stamps”, and one day, the energy that gets lodged, breaks loose,
and bites you in the ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We tend to act
out what we don’t communicate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Acting
out is taking a feeling and translating it into a behavior. Our feelings are
energy: e- motions,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>energy in
motion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stuffing them only makes them
stronger until our container can no longer house them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what happens is they come out the side,
worse than if we spoke our truth from the get go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our insecurities rule our behavior and cause
us to make poor choices.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the first things to lose its luster is
our sexuality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we are hurt or
angry, we simply lose our sexual interest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Effective communication is crucial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It will always make things better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, most folks don’t know how to communicate effectively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
because we grew up in homes where healthy communication was never modeled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about how your parents settled their
conflicts and differences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our fathers usually
chose one of two options, depending upon their disposition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They entered their cave and shut down, or
they carried a club.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our mothers either
cried or shopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things didn’t change
much from the good old days of Fred and Wilma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We only know what we know; therefore, we tend to do what comes
naturally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doing what comes naturally is
not usually healthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a right and
a wrong way to fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fighting fair
takes some learning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tools and skills to
communicate with a desired outcome, needs to be taught, like driving a car, learning
how to play golf, tennis, the piano, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is when couple’s/marriage counseling is vital in order to
help the couple find resources to work through their issues and clean up the
polluted relational space that if not corrected, can destroy the
marriage/relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if the couple
has children, this polluted relational space is their playground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So imagine the impact this has on them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The truth is that sexual dysfunction is a result of not
having a safe place to express how we feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When our feelings are repressed, our sexuality is impaired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most people don’t need a sex therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They need to learn how to communicate with
each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Martin Buber, the Jewish philosopher said that human beings
are wired for connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we
disconnect, we go into crisis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s only
in a relationship that we can know who we really are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In his own words, he says, “Our relationships
live in the space in between which is sacred.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The meaning is to be found neither in one of the two partners, nor in
both together, but only in the “between” which they live in together. “<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-23773787041399295462011-02-16T10:33:00.000-08:002011-02-16T10:33:30.067-08:00Making Love WorkAdvancing technology in couple’s counseling has paved the way to perpetual possibilities and hope for healthier relationships. We now know ways to teach couples to reconnect and reach levels of intimacy never before realized. We understand that human beings are wired for connection and when we disconnect, we go into crisis. The goal is the help couples become authentic so they can discover each other, perhaps for the first time, thus allowing them to fall in love again. When the relational space between them becomes polluted, the “disconnect” is certain to happen. When we clean up that contaminated space, we reconnect with a more meaningful, honest relationship than ever thought possible. When two individuals who are committed to move their relationship forward and become truly authentic, time is eternal, says the philosopher, Martin Buber. <br />
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My recent work with Hedy Schleiffer, applying her methodology, combined with PAIRS, IMAGO THERAPY AND INNER CHILD WORK, has taken my work to heights I never knew possible. I have been able to synthesize these modalities to achieve these optimum results. Of course, the basic requirement is that both people in the relationship have a genuine sense of good will. <br />
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“There is a field beyond right thinking and beyond wrong thinking, <br />
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I will meet you there. RUMI <br />
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For couples to reach and maintain their potential as best friends, lovers and parents, they must be willing to have three major components.: committment, faith and patience. With these essential ingredients, I am able to open up fields of understanding using communication models, listening techniques and fair fighting rules that allow each person time to be heard and to know that their partner has received the information imparted to them. Hedy Schleiffer's THE BRIDGE allows each partner to take the other to the "tough neighborhoods" and be invited to the street of _________that they want the other partner to learn about. In PAIRS, certain exercises allow for cleaning up the past and develop deeper respect and understanding for each other. Using INNER CHILD WORK combined with IMAGO THERAPY (Harvilee Hendrix), potentiates closness and appreciation for the partners past and how it has impacted his/hers present. Once this recognition is made, a new level of intimacy has been reached.Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854630655841706579.post-86067692964560379672010-10-07T20:15:00.000-07:002010-10-07T20:15:20.098-07:00Women in Relationships<div align="left">WOMAN AND RELATIONSHIPS<br />
JOAN E. CHILDS, LCSW</div><br />
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From time memoriam, women have been the center of relationships, whether they are wives, sweethearts, lovers, mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, employees, employers, neighbors, professionals, etc. When we think of all the relationships women maintain over the course of their lives, we are reminded of women’s traditional and anthropological roles in the species; that of “keepers of the hearth” and “chatterers.” Women have been balancing, managing and maintaining relationships from the beginning of time. Relationships and women are the core of culture and can often determine or impact the nature of society and men.</div><br />
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We are born into a relationship; live in relationships, and form new relationships throughout our lives. As a practicing psychotherapist, I deal with relationships as the core of my practice. Even if I see just individuals at times, the root of my client’s issues begins in early relationships and manifests in their personal and present relationships. When working with couples, it is not uncommon to recognize that the existing problem they are experiencing is a manifestation of the original relationship they grew out of; namely their parents and family of origin. Relationships tend to mimic the patterns of behavior that were known to individuals in their early child development. Those patterns become the microcosm of the world to them. All behavior comes naturally, as if everyone had the same history and upbringing. It is only when we become involved in a relationship that we realize our differences... When we enter a relationship we bring in all our customs, beliefs, values, experiences and expectations. That is when our relationships get into trouble. Each member of the dyad is out to prove their way is the better way. Comfort zones are created over time, and then become integrated over the years... For instance, a simple issue can be originated in how each person enjoyed their Xmas celebration. Mary’s family may have opened the Xmas presents on Xmas eve and saved all the wrapping paper; whereas John’s family chose to open the presents on Xmas morning and throw away the paper. In their present relationship, Mary and John must work out a compromise and learn how to communicate and negotiate their differences in order to promote the welfare of their present relationship. These patterns of “doing what comes naturally”, becomes pervasive in all relationships including both personal and professional.</div><br />
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<div align="left">We are wired to be connected. When we lose connenction, we go into crisis. Therefore, many times we may think of our relationships as a problem to be solved, but instead, it is a struggle to reconnect. Once we reconnect, quite often the "problem" gets resolved. It is the space between the individuals in the relationship, known as the "relational space" that becomes polluted. The solution: clean up that space! And that's what I help couples do!</div><br />
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Women and relationships is such a common theme that I have chosen this topic as an umbrella for future blog articles to write on this website. Every article produced will continue to run the theme of women and relationships, each one providing specific information for every subject dealing with women and their relationships.</div><br />
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Look for WOMEN AND MEN: The Nature of the Beasts, in the next article. </div>Joan E. Childs, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316035894599714792noreply@blogger.com0